Texas is Not a Country — More Thoughts on Drake’s Lawsuit

If you didn’t bother suspending your disbelief before reading the 81-page lawsuit against Universal Music Group that Drake’s legal team filed in U.S. Federal Court last week, you know the document is loaded with lowlights.

Near the top, the suit claims that an intruder entered the rap superstar’s property by digging a hole beneath a security fence with his bare hands. If this person exists, I hope some suburban yard and driveway contractor rescued him from police custody and put him to work.

Best employee ever.

Half man, half excavator.

For me, the detail that defines the whole lawsuit, which argues that UMG defamed Drake by promoting Kendrick Lamar’s mega hit, “Not Like Us,” comes at the end of paragraph 25, when the lawyers introduce the parties. Six words that say everything you need to know about the merits of this action.

“Drake is a citizen of Texas.”

A simple sentence whose cluelessness stands out.

Drake is from Canada and could be a citizen of several places, but Texas can’t be one of them, unless the Lone Star State breaks away from the U.S. and starts handing out passports. It’s a legal distinction, but this is a legal proceeding. If you’re charging by the hour for your expertise with the law, you should know the difference between a resident and a citizen.

The line’s positioning is key, linking the tall tales in the opening pages with the wild claims that follow. And it exemplifies the sloppiness defining the entire document. Oversights, exaggerations and self-owns. It’s the opposite of old tailor’s maxim to measure twice and cut once.

The lawsuit, of course, is Team Drake’s attempt to salvage some type of victory in the after math of the beatdown KDot laid on him last spring. I’m skeptical of the whole caper, but can’t guarantee I’d do anything different if I were in Drake’s position, with his ego and his resources. It’s a long shot, but we also know Drake loves gambling, and his $400 million deal with UMG hints that he can afford to chase some bad bets.

So maybe pride is pushing him to proceed. And maybe the lawyers are, too. These are all billable hours. His cheques will clear in Canada, and his checks won’t bounce in The Country of Texas.

Still, I wish somebody could prevail on Drake to let this one go. Accept the defeat, move on, and let us get past it, too. Otherwise, this lawsuit is shaping up as the latest unforced error in a colossal series of them.

None of the allegations have been tested in court, but the scene in the lawsuit’s opening paragraphs, describing the shooting of a security guard at Drake’s mansion, sounds chilling. If you’ve ever dealt with even the prospect of a home invasion, you know how excruciating that wait for first responders is. That security guard likely owes his life to Drake and whoever else was home that night, applying pressure to his bullet wound until the ambulance arrived.

But the idea of somebody digging a tunnel under a security fence, with no equipment, in a neighbourhood with heavy police presence, and going unnoticed until he pops up on Drake’s side of the property line is…

I’m not saying the lawyers are lying. I am saying I’d need more proof.

The lawsuit says these intruders were vigilantes, who heard “Not Like Us,” believed the song’s message that Drake’s mansion was a haven for perverts, and showed up to serve justice.

We can understand Drake’s indignation. Life on the business end of a diss track that becomes a worldwide hit sounds unpleasant enough, but imagine how the insult and anxiety multiply when a sold-out arena gleefully sings along to a song calling you a real deviant and a fake Black person.

It’s enough to make you see some merit in the lawsuit until you remember that Drake would happily have inflicted similar damage on Kendrick.

He tried it, actually.

He accused Kendrick of beating his partner, and accused her of getting pregnant by Kendrick’s best friend. He said Kendrick hates his own Blackness, and only chose Whitney because she’s half white. He lobbed those insults and more, then begged Kendrick to respond.

The lawsuit portrays “Not Like Us” as a cheap shot but it was a thunderous counterpunch, delivered on time and on target. Drake left his chin exposed, and Kendrick clipped him. A job hazard. Charge it to the fight game.

Drake’s lawyers go halfway toward acknowledging it, spelling out that they’re not going after Kendrick for making “Not Like Us.” They’re suing UMG for promoting it, and claim to have receipts.

The lawsuit alleges that UMG used algorithms to push “Not Like Us” on prospective listeners who weren’t even seeking it. They include a screenshot from a song licensing database that allows customers to search by theme. The photo shows a person filtering for songs that denote “Winning” and “Achievement.”

And the search returns “Not Like Us”?

Perhaps this claim has some credence.

But two rows later, there’s “Family Matters.”

Twice

Next time, maybe crop the screenshot tighter so it doesn’t torpedo your own argument.

Later the lawyers argue that Spotify users searching for Eminem, who, as far as we know, had no dog in this fight, would see “Not Like Us” in their results. The suit alleges a UMG plot to inflate the song’s numbers by force-feeding it to unsuspecting music fans.

And when I searched Spotify for a Drake album titled “Certified Lover Boy,” results included “Not Like Us” as a “lyrics match.” But when I searched “Euphoria,” Spotify also offered me Drake.

My first takeaway is to credit Kendrick. That he drives a Buick Grand National with Anita Baker in the tape deck signals that a big part of him is stuck in 1986, but he still scored an SEO checkmate over Drake, who makes music for millennials.

Takeaway number two:

UMG and the record companies are cross-promoting the two artists engaged in the highest-profile rap beef of the decade.

Which is to say they’re promoting both.

Which is to say they’re doing their job.

Which is to say listeners chose Kendrick, and the allegations in this lawsuit look wobbly.

Drake suing UMG for promoting “Not Like Us” is like Rolly Romero suing Floyd Mayweather for paying Tank Davis to knock him unconscious, even though Romero had campaigned for that fight.

And told us he would win.

And was also getting paid to try to beat up Tank Davis.

Drake didn’t have a problem picking this fight last spring. He and his lawyers just appear to have a problem with losing. They should make peace with it, because if this case goes to trial, and anybody involved with adjudicating it knows anything about hip hop, you might as well add it to the loss column.

And I don’t know who they can sue after that.

Anybody who streamed “Not Like Us”?

Or watched the video?

Or who bought a ticket to the GNX Tour?

Maybe we all need to lawyer up.

 

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